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World Is Coming to an End!!!

I really really hate doing this, but I have no choice.  My daughter and nieces are growing up fast and learning their way around the internet.  I really don't want them reading some of the stuff that I post. Some things are best left to explain later to them or never.  *smiles.  

I love friends.  I love sharing my journal and reading others.  If you want to join my small world just post a message and I will be glad to add you to my friends list. 

This will be the same for Myspace also.  You can find me on Facebook. If you want to be added as a friend there just add me and I will be glad to return the favor.

DJ thanks for doing my eyes for me.  *muwah!

My Mother

My Mother died Dec. 27th. Now that I am journaling about this I seem to be lost of words to descrbe how I feel. They just don't seem adequate enough to describe my range of emotions and feelings...

I Married My Mother.

Today, I realize that I married my mother when I married my ex-husband. I truly believe they are both narcissist.

Today, I witnessed these symptoms in them both.An excessive need for admiration, disregard for others' feelings, an inability to handle any criticism, a sense of entitlement.andiosity, callous and unemotional traits, disregard for others' feelings, excessive need for admiration, receptor antagonist, or social isolation.

Sadly for my ex he is starting the same behavors with his new gf. He went on his first date with her on our wedding anniversary. He then lied and told her he has been divorced for 4 years. It's wasn't even filed till recently so he could buy me out. It's not even final yet. Many many many many more of the same behavors as above.

My Mom uses these symptoms to slowly kill herself and some how try to turn you into the bad guy so she can live in a not so real reality. At least one is out of mt life now almost completely. Other one is my Mom....

A broken Father's love.

Yesterday, I saw for the very first time my ex-husband put someone ahead of his daughter in the most dramatic way. I will never understand why when men get new girlfriends that the only person feelings that matters is the new girlfriend. Especially, from a relationship that has only been going on for three months and not the whole time during that three months. My daughter didn't even put herself in that position of choice. He did.

Passion

In my life I have adequate, passionate and not so adequate lovers. I am currently in a relationship where my lover happens to be passionate and very much adequate. When you combine the two of those things... I'll just say, you don't realize what you are missing until you do. I have always been a passionate person. I never realized until now how much someone holds you back when they are not. It is amazing feeling when a man makes you feel like you are the sexiest beast on earth.

Beauty

Today, I was editing some photos of people that I took. As I was looking at their eyes and etc... I got to thinking about what made them beautiful. I don't think I see beauty like most people. Don't get me wrong. I think Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts and George Clooney are beautiful. I could look at them all day and smile. The beauty I am talking about is physical in a sense, but not how you are thinking. I don't mean inner beauty either. It's hard to explain.

One of the most beautiful people I have ever saw was a homeless lady in a town I recently moved from. Every time I saw her, I found myself staring. I knew I made her uncomfortable. She probably thought I was staring at her because she was homeless. If I was... it's only in the sense that I desperately want to take her picture and know her story. I wanted to know what paths in life that got her to this point. When, I looked at her I could almost see her path of surrender to this life. You could see she had accepted her situation as some form of penance for the life she has lived.

She has these incredible big beautiful brown eyes. They are not wrinkled free, but far from old. I know it's a big cliche to say, but I could see she was an old soul in her eyes. I could see her laughter, anger, loneliness, happiness, anguish, alienation, regrets and more. She had a pleasant face with very tan skin. It doesn't look aged and leathery, but you get the since she was not young either. She was very skinny, but didn't look unhealthy in the face. She walked and moved with such grace and caution. Very smooth and purposeful.

She always wore a large and long scarf over her long dark brown hair. It was never tied. She just loosely crosses it in the front and lays the ends across each shoulder. It reminds me of a very vintage way to wear a scarf. She wore a long skirt to her ankles and always a long sleeved shirt layered over another. This outfit is worn all year long... even in the hot of the summer. Her clothes didn't look stain, but you can tell the were dingy from not being washed often. They did not have holes, but were very aged looking. Even though her clothes look the way they did, you got the impression she had a sense of style about her. As you can tell, I had stared at her way too often when our paths had crossed.

I have never been shy about asking strangers to take their pictures. I am not good with words, so I like to tell my stories with photos. I find something beautiful and interesting in people all the time... from the young to the old. I wanted to take her picture so badly to share what I saw, that was so beautiful, unique, interesting, wise and modest. Something in me knew she would say, "no". I talked to another homeless friend of hers later and he told me I was probably right... she would have refused. I don't often regret not being able to photograph something or someone, but this one will always be one...

Here is one of the photos that I was editing today that I found so many things about this person beautiful. From the way she looked at my camera, to the words in her eyes, pleasant tone on her face, the expression lines in her lips and so much more.




Here is a picture of a gentleman I met on the side of the road. His face told me so many things about him. He was very sweet and let me take his picture while he told me stories of his life.I probably talked with him for an hour. He was just a beautiful person. I wished I had more time to talk with him. I never saw him again, but looked for him every time I went down that street.


Romantic gifts.

I gave Daniel a drawing journal last year for Christmas. It said, something sweet on the front. It was a Romantic gift for me to leave him letters, drawing, quotes or all of the above. He placed it in our library. I occasional leave him messages and I don't tell him. It is there for him to discover. It was my way of giving him a Romantic gift that lasted all year. He absolutely loves it.

Today, he was at work and I was missing him. He kissed me on the forehead, before he left this morning. I kept thinking about it all day. I left him this drawing and quote to discover.

When, I wrote the date today in the journal. I realized over half the year is already gone. Then, I got to thinking.. what will I do next year? What can I do that is equally sweet, without it being about monetary value? I will have to really put some thought into it. LOL... it will probably take me the next 5 months to come up with something special. I am always up for suggestions. :-)

Tags:

Invisible...

The first time I was invisible to my ex-husband, because of another woman... I was just married for about a year. I had been very suspicious of his behavior. I never was that jealous type that expected the man that I was with not to have female friends. I especially couldn't judge when most of my friends were men.

I will just call her "Red". The first time I really came to realize who Red was... My Ex and I were heading to our garden tub to take a bath together and be .... well you know. The phone rang and he answered it. He started a conversation with the person on the phone. I whispered to him that I would get the tub started and would be waiting on him there. One warm bath turning cold and shriveled toes later, I get out of the tub only to find him still on the phone. I immediately knew this had to be a woman. Of course, I confronted him about Red. I couldn't believe that he stayed on the phone with this person while I waited. I knew if he preferred to talk to her over having sex with me... This was going to be so much trouble.

My next encounter with Red.... I go to my Ex place of work. I came up to him while he was talking to this Red headed woman. You could tell I interrupted some discussion that wasn't meant for other ears. I could feel the uncomfortable in the air. The Ex introduces me to Red as his friend. I was being polite, because I was at his work. The conversations they had been having was so inappropriate she couldn't even look me in the face at introduction. It was so obvious that she was looking down that I asked if she liked my shoes that much. She looked up at me finally and said, "excuse me?" Well, you have been looking at my feet for a very long time. I can only assume you like my shoes. She turns around and walks off. Ex gives me a look of anger and does the same. Of course, when he got home we had the whole Red talk and if things continued... His whole defense was she is just a friend. Nothing has happen. I wanted to say, "yet"!

My third encounter about Red was when I found a notebook where my Ex had been writing poems. I had never seen the notebook before, so I opened it to see what it was. I found these beautiful poems he had written about other women. He even named the women on the page that he was writing about. Most were about Red. A few were about an actual female friend who was having many troubles. I think she was only a friend, because she kept it at that level... now that I look back. Tears immediately fell from my eyes. You know the kind of tears where you don't even make a funny face when you cry. Every word on the pages were so precious and carefully thought out. They were kind, tender and loving. All the poems were so beautiful. Everyone word were like tiny daggers stabbing me in the heart. By this time I had been with my husband as a girlfriend and a wife for five years. I just recently had a wedding anniversary that he forgot. My very first one and he forgot it. During those five years... he never wrote me anything that tender and precious. I did get a drawing of a rose when he missed my wedding anniversary as a sorry present. I was just devastated.

My Ex was a very tender man. He was good to me. He did have a way of making you think he cared so much for you. Other people would talk about how sweet he was to me when we would hang around them. They would always go on how jealous they were of me and how much my Ex adored me. He was very good at. He had a way of coming across as devoted... when deep down, he was not. If you were sick, he was very good to you. His bad treatment was very passive aggressive victim. I was a sucker for it.

After much arguing after the "peoms"... The Ex swears he will stay away from Red. He would have nothing else to do with her, but still maintaining that they were just friends and it was all me. I of course didn't believe him.

My fourth encounter with Red. I lied. Yes, I lied. I told my Ex that I had to work that day. I was a manager and worked ungodly hours. It was easy to convince him that I had to work even though I had it off previously. It happen all the time. I even blamed myself for this situation occurring, because I wasn't around enough.

I go to my Ex's work with the pretense of wanting to take him to lunch. He wasn't there. She wasn't there. We had a mutual friend that worked with my Ex. He asked me to come outside while he headed to lunch himself. He said, I can't tell you anything, but I am sure if you check the restaurants near here you might find him. I don't think either one of them drove today. I drove to the first restaurant across the parking lot that was in walking distance. I drove around the building like I was going to drive-thru and there they sat. Having lunch and laughing. They were so engrossed with each other that they didn't realize I was stopped outside the glass looking in at them. A car even beeped for me to move along.

I am just sick that I park under a shade tree to think what I should do next. It took some time for me to pull myself together. I see my Ex entering his work alone. I must have missed her going in first. I decide to go in and play it cool like I was just coming to say, Hi. As I walk in the door he is talking with an employee and friend. He turns and looks at me right in the face and walks off without even a word. As if he looked right through me like I was invisible. Didn't even speak one word. He was still so angry that I had forbid him to talk to Red anymore. His friend says, oh wow Michelle. Why did he act like that? I said, I don't know, but I am going to find out. I walk a few isle down in the store and heard his voice. I decided to pause before he was in sight, so that I could hear the conversation. I heard him warning her that I was in the store and he couldn't help her in her department now. I stepped around the corner, so they could see me and I then left.

I acted really calm when I picked him up for work. I even asked what he did for lunch. I gave him four chances to tell me the truth about his lunch He lied straight to my face and said, I ate alone. I went through the drive-thru.

I took him to lunch the next day. I gave him his final chance to tell me the truth. I even told him I knew the truth and he still lied to me. He said, I don't care what people are saying... I don't know who told you that, but I ate alone. As I pulled in front of the store to drop him off from lunch... He gets out. As he is closing the door I tell him, "no one told me" I saw you at Wendy's together myself. I drive away. Leaving him standing in the parking lot.

This was the first time I left my husband. I should have never gone back no matter how much he swore he loved me. I do believe that their affair never made it to sex. I do believe that he was having an emotional affair. I think that was what he liked. The lightness. The carefree of something new. I think when you added sex to it... it becomes too heavy. He liked to play the hero to women. He liked being that man there for them when all other men failed and were dicks. He liked being the good guy.

I am now with someone that stares at me from across the room and smiles at me just because. I am never invisible to him. Who writes me beautiful words of affection and love. How I wished I realized earlier on that I was worthy of this kind of love.

This is the first poem my new love wrote for me when we were unable to talk, because I was camping in a place with no signal:

"I've met you in my dreams each night
And felt your arms holding me tight
Though touch of dreams is less than real
It is not worry that I feel
For distance stalls and time away
Is nothing but a short delay
And details that now keep us apart
Have lost their hold upon my heart
This time apart has made it clear
That I am cold without you near
And if I am to warm again
I need to show you I'm your man
So do not worry or despair
Or lose out hope that I'll be there
I'll do my part, without fight or fuss
And start the life that's meant for us

But while you're gone, all I can do
Is close my eyes and dream of you

I love you so much, Michelle. I've missed you like you wouldn't believe."

~Daniel

3 years ago.

The last time I was here posting, I had left my husband and was just starting new. It took a lot of soul searching and acceptance of my faults as well as his to find myself in this good space that I am in now. I feel I can talk about it now and understand things enough to share them.

I am happy for the first time in over 20 years. I find the I now realize that I am worthy of love. I like myself. I know who I am again.

I look back and I can see defining moments, when I accepted treatment from someone I loved as a lesser being. I thought that loving someone meant you loved the good and the bad. I was sadly mistaken. I repeatedly heard, "I love you". I repeatedly felt unloved by their actions. I made the fatal mistake of putting my self worth in the hands of someone else. I find it hard to forgive myself for doing that. I have no one to blame, but myself for wasting 20 years of life.

I remember once when my child was just about a year old. My husband hurt his finger at work just as I arrived. Instead of coming to me to help him out, he walked away from me... to another woman he worked with for her to help him with his injury. I might as well have not been standing there. I am sure he was having an emotional affair with her as he did many times in our lives. Despite the fact that he will ever admit that...

His injury required medical assistance. He of course let me drive him to the Doctor or it would not have looked so good. I remember sitting in the Doctor's office thinking that, this is twice he walked away from to go to another woman like I wasn't even there. I remember feeling something in me break at the time. I even remember thinking... you need to go, Michelle... You need to leave. Sounding very desperate in my head. I then remembering making the conscious decision on staying. I even thought at the time that this was the wrong decision. You are making a huge mistake. I just felt stuck and decided I would just do everything in me to make this work. If I could have just turned back time at that moment.

Will talk more later. Night :-)

Mar. 21st, 2012

My daughter turns 19... March 22.  Wow.. where did all the time go.  She is a young lady now.  It will be the very first birthday I will not be with her.  Unfortunately, it's probably not that last one.  I can't help but tear up when I think about it.  I love that she is growing up and coming into her own, but there are so many things in me that makes me want to yell at her and say, "didn't your daddy ground you from growing up?"